As I've discovered within the last few years and wrote about in one of my lost journals, I can talk myself in and out of everything. Where I want to go, who I want to sleep with and what clothing I choose to avoid are all subjects up for debate. Usually I end up running from the choices that force me to be honest and bold. Sometimes I am the princess of disallowance. I'm sure the queen is running away from her fears quicker than me.
While I'm sprinting away from attention seeking choices, I also leave my embarrassed truths in the dust. I have depression. I just want that statement to stand alone for a bit. Like me in my thoughts! (Cue the fake laughter.)
Because of this pesky mental illness, normal every day life can get difficult for me out of nowhere. Between major breakdowns, I can trick myself into believing that it's gone. I can come out of my shell and live again. Unfortunately it always comes back. When it does, I beat myself up for letting it back in as if I have a choice.
I'm aware of how unhealthy this cycle is. Not just with depression but with running from my problems in general. Fear is normal but I refuse to keep letting it win. So the lesson for today is to admit when you're running. It's a good step for growing into a better person. Unless you want to stay stagnant. Then we can't be friends.