Today I've learned I'm making up for lost time.
Growing up, I was encouraged to partake in educational activities. Go to museums, go to book fairs, join clubs in school. But the outside world offered to teenagers was off limits. No parties. No boys. No sleepovers. No pep rallies. Nothing that could make me consider freedom was nice. I was forbidden to go to a pep rally I was supposed to be in (like on the float with my teammates) because on one of my mom's routine diary checks she found a page where I talked about a crush. I hadn't even kissed this guy. Just fantasized about it. And since he was supposed to be there, my plans were a no-go.
Fast forward to college and I realized I was on my own. She wasn't there to shame me into staying in the house. My mom didn't take too kindly to her loss of control and general worry that plagues mothers everywhere. Long story short, our relationship got worse and it took a toll on the fun I wanted to have. I kept telling myself that good women work hard and have fun when she deserves it. The problem is I never felt like I deserved it.
So most times, I didn't have it. I stressed myself out.
Now I'm planning a vacation. I go on dates when I want to. I'm probably going ziplining this year. I want to go to Jamaica for my birthday hopefully next year. I'm living freely and when the phone rings When Doves Cry, I cringe. I can feel the leash searching for my neck. And I feel guilty for ignoring the calls and texts since that's my mom. I'm not supposed to feel this way about her.
But she wasn't supposed to keep me locked up either. And berate me for being myself.
I don't know. I'm happy to be able to do what I want but I'm sad that it's just now happening. Let's see how I feel in the next chapter.