Today I've learned I crave the answer to "why".
A couple weeks ago I had a nightmare about my family. Almost everything that happened in the dream is something that already happened to me. The semi-public exploration of my sexuality during my adolescent years. The betrayal of my privacy and recital of my innermost thoughts. The unjust punishment from my mother. The constant private shaming. All of these actions lead to me saying "fuck it, I'm out." It's been bothering me because I didn't have a definite answer as to why I was treated this way.
It's been bothering me so much that suppressed memories came back in the form of a dream.
Like I mentioned before, I don't do well with being in not knowing where I stand. But I didn't understand how much I need to know why something happens. Why people react the way they do. It's like I've been trying to solve a problem with a variable missing. The answer always comes out wrong and I'm racking my brain trying to make it right. So I called my mom and asked her why. Surprisingly she gave me an honest answer and took accountability for her actions.
This is what I've been asking from her for at least 4 years. I told her I wish I could have had the space to talk to her about all the feelings I had growing up. Maybe I could have be comfortable enough to address my attraction to women. But I can't change the past. I can take the steps to improve the woman I am now though.