Today I've learned that second guessing hurts me more than making the wrong decision.
Not sure who to blame for this intense guilt plaguing all of my actions, but it's there. Should I do this or that? Should I even ask or just stay silent? Being indecisive isn't one of my best qualities. It annoys all of my confidants. They more or less hold my nose and force me to make a decision by the end of a long conversation.
Doing the right thing has mattered so much to me that I end up doing nothing sometimes.
So I've been saying yes to things I wouldn't have before. And while it's giving me new experiences, it's also leaving me chastising myself. Are you sure you don't want to leave your job? Yeah brain. There's no reason for me to leave and I need to be stable. You really think fucking that guy is a good idea? Yeah brain, because I'm tired of saying no to fun because of the potential backstory. Are you ready to have feelings for more than one person at a time?
Now that answer is still yes. But having feelings for one person is a bit complicated. And I'm wondering if I should go into that detail here or to make a private post for anyone who's interested.
Anyway, it's not my job to always do the right thing. I don't want to be a saint. It's much more fun being a sinner. But what do ya'll think?