Today (to be real, It's been for the past few weeks) I've learned that I need to chill.
So where do I begin? Let's make it easier for us all and write this update in sections.
I've gone on a streak of late night, bar-hopping adventures followed by being hungover thus ruining my Sundays. Apparently being around me when I'm drunk is an experience. I am a great wing-woman because all of my apprehension about approaching people tends to go out the window. I'm known for screaming out compliments to strangers. I end up dancing in the middle of a busy sidewalk to someone else's music. Strangely enough, I make new friends and/or get new numbers those nights.
Last weekend, I knew I shouldn't have gone out. I had a nagging feeling that I'd be left being a therapist to a certain acquaintance again. But I already agreed and I hyped it up the night before trying to make it a girl's night. So I ended up drinking WAY more than I intended and did what I always do when drunk Evon is out. I made the best of an awkward situation. [Context: The acquaintance invited a guy she wanted to sleep with and he brought 3 other women. One was in direct competition with her. So now I have to keep her happy by either getting her a new suitor or by icing the other woman out.]
Fast forward to the Lyft ride home where the drinks have caught up to me. I end up tossing my cookies and my glasses out the window of a speeding car. I would pour one out for my lost glasses but I think the vomit counts enough. Then I was charged an excessive damage fee for puking even though I asked him to pull over or at least slow down. Currently I'm walking around in a blurry world crying over my bank account. If you didn't know, new glasses ain't cheap.
Love & Other Emotions
During this last drunken night, I reached out to someone I was trying not to. I've talked about him before, so much so that my friends are VERY annoyed by the mention of his name. Why am I avoiding him? Well I let out those 3 little words and got basically nothing in response. Ouch is an understatement. But seeing that L, I decided to try to distance myself and possibly let go of any hope that anything will work out.
But because I stay in my feelings and I had an excuse of being intoxicated, I reached out. As soon as I hit send, I wanted him to ignore me. He didn't. I didn't see him due to conflicting schedules and once I sobered up an apology was in order. I was embarrassed and I really didn't want any more shit hitting the fan. But that's not how life works.
I'm also not really telling my family many of the journeys I'm on. I used to be able to ask my parents for advise about most pressing matters. But I can't really ask them about how to navigate love in a poly-amorous relationship. I can't ask my dad how make sure my primary partner feels taken care of while I have my fun. Or how to possibly have 2 boyfriends with them knowing about each other. My brother doesn't want to know about those things either. He wants to hear that his little sister is happy and that her bills are paid.
So when they tell me I'm going to be an aunt to not 1 but 3 kids, I just say congratulations. And when I try to share the excitement with my dad and he almost immediately shoots it down, I keep that from my brother. I keep it from my mom too to avoid the "your dad can never be happy" conversation. In times like these, I want to do what I used to do: scream about their dysfunction, stress to each of them about the importance of respecting their wishes. But I don't. By this point, I'm on low funds, vision and energy to get into all of this with them.
I care so much about everything so often. I told my mom I get that from her and she laughed. She said at least I came by it honestly.
I know I've been gone for a bit. All of the above is why. But at least I came back right?