I've learned that I need to level up, romantically.
So I've been going through the aftermath of a breakup. It had been an uphill battle in that relationship that I've loosely chronicled here but this last bout took a lot out of me. I had to step back and look at how I contributed to the demise of my fourth adventure with love.
I mean, I had to be culpable right?
There's no way I did everything right. I misunderstood him, withheld information, was petty and assumed too often instead of just asking. On-again-off-again relationships don't have the best track records of actually working out but every time we came back together, I thought that time would be different. Maybe we could actually learn from our mistakes and make better decisions. The make up sex was too good to just let go of.
But we had to let go. Albeit angrily, but still.
I've been oscillating between being heartbroken and being grateful. I lost a love I knew I couldn't keep but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. However I've also been thinking about how much lighter I feel without him. Knowing that I've had more opportunities since that final argument has let me know how much we may have been holding each other back. We both deserve to be with people who understand us and are more than namesake partners. So I'm moving forward because there's nothing left for me in the past no matter how much I may want there to be.