Something good must be coming my way.
When life keeps hitting me, I feel like I'm not good enough. Rejection is hard for me because it's like someone is saying "Nah, I don't want you. You just...don't do it for me. But thanks for your uncomfortable offer." Usually that's an exaggeration. But not right now. Right now, I'm losing a lot. My job, my birth family and my friendships are all in the crapper right now. And I understand that things can be much worse. I'm in a much better place. I have enough friends and family who do love me. And I'm making strides in my career, however slowly they may be.
It's like I'm outgrowing my shell. Maybe this is how a butterfly feels when coming out of their cocoon. They know something is coming and it's scary because it's new. New is terrifying. New makes you realize which facets of your life need to go. Things are falling away in clumps.
For instance, I have a friend that I have written about before. She is a creative being who rides on the backs of her friends. It's like she doesn't want to improve. She likes being stagnant. Now she's calling and I don't answer. I know she wants something and I know that I need to confront her, but I don't think I have anything left to give her.
Or how about my place of employment? They're letting me go to restructure the company and pay someone less. They know that I'm an amazing employee however the new executive wants to re-brand. Logically, I understand that. Emotionally, I want to set their office on fire. Don't worry, I won't.
Even my mother is giving me grief. We've never really seen eye to eye. But once I moved to the east coast, her jealousy and control issues skyrocketed. I got tired of answering the phone and being greeted with screams and disapproving lectures. Her guilt trips aren't as effective as they used to be. To keep my mind from plunging into the deep end, I've cut her off.
Even a new friend has disappointed me. And while I'm holding out hope that he will come around, I can't focus on that when I have all of the above mentioned challenges surrounding me. It's hard to keep above water. But I know that I will prevail. I don't really have a choice.