During my writing hiatus after my romantic life partially blew up, I decided that I needed to focus on myself. I'd given so much to different aspects of my life but I left myself on the back burner. So during my down time I was scrolling through Pinterest (go ahead and follow me there!) and found a 31 day self love challenge by BlessingManifesting.com. I love a goal oriented challenge so joined in.
Everyday had a question that had me shook. Not because I didn't know the answer, but because I didn't really want to be honest. With the focus being on how I felt instead of what I needed to do, I was stuck between being comfortable and going along with the emotional path I was on or being uncomfortable and turning at the fork in the road. I chose to be uncomfortable, which you know is more or less my life in a nutshell.
So here are some key self discoveries during my challenge.
1. I'm really hard on myself
I mean, really hard. I punish myself before anyone else has a chance to. And I know that is really unhealthy to have such negative self talk. But I've been interrupting the negative stream of thoughts with sometimes just a simple question. Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure everything you're thinking about is true? That shakes up my whole pattern.
2. My role models are women who have stopped caring.
My role models currently are Crissle, Tracee Ellis Ross, Taraji P. Henson, Jeanine Daniels, Rihanna and Beyonce. They are creatives who own who they are, flaws and all. They give me the strength to be myself and it's so freeing.
3. I have a generally positive attitude.
Though I'm worrying about things that don't even really matter a lot of times, I tend to be an outwardly happy person. I can find the bright side to most situations and can bring up the tone of a room relatively easily. Which I think is a super power.
4. I don't put myself first.
I give WAAAAAYYY too much to other people and put myself on the back burner. It's entirely too easy to ask people for what they want and give them that and more. But it's much harder to do something for myself. I'm not sure how I can start to change that but I know it's important to change.
5. I still hold onto shame.
I am not built for guilt. And I feel guilty about almost EVERYTHING. Even little things. That guilt turns into shame and that is where most of my internal strife comes from. I especially am ashamed of unhealthy thought processes from my childhood. And while I know it takes time to unlearn, it doesn't mean I like having those processes taking up space in my head.
The first step to growing and improving is acknowledging my shortcomings. What am I going to do with this new found information? I have no idea. But I'm going to figure it out.