Previously posted on Thought Catalog. Check it out here.
I'm a petty, neurotic and indecisive woman who likes a variety of things you probably don't care about. Why? Because I'm attractive enough for you to fantasize about but not attractive enough to make you want to fight for your honor. I'm also marginally intelligent but let's be real, you saw my photo and decided to ignore anything I may have typed here.
What I'm doing with my life:
When I'm not at my office trying to look busy, I'm at home thinking about why I signed up for this. I'm probably drinking, watching a video with no pants on and thinking about why I wore those boots in the 7th grade and thought I could saunter over to my crush without falling. Or I'm writing to make myself feel better.
I'm really good at:
Coming up with different scenarios as to why people do the things they do.
Frying chicken. No, I probably won't cook it for you.
Favorite things (music, food, shows and books):
I wish you would read this section and reach out with an actual opinion on what I like. But like I stated earlier, you couldn't give a fuck. If you read this section, it could give you date ideas. It could tell you what I'm doing when you text me. It could save you time when trying to figure out if you want to spend time with me after sex. Instead you'll ignore this. You'll ask me what I'm doing, I'll respond and you'll say something like "Oh that's cool. So you like girls too?"
6 things I could never do without:
[Note: This is actually from my OkCupid profile. I can't improve the truth.]
You should message me if:
If somehow you got to the end of this profile and still want to reach out to me, do so. I do want companionship and am open to more. But if you skipped everything I wrote thus far, let me leave you with this.
If you are uncomfortable with a woman being secure enough to do what she wants and being imperfect unapologetically, find someone else.