You Are Not Mine [Vol. 3]

You were the first person I wanted to make a forever with. You gave me hope that we could grow into our roles as soulmates. I actually called you my soulmate, well not to your face. I had just met you in computer class and we couldn't legally go on a field trip without permission let alone try to forge a union.

You stole my attention immediately, reminding me of my favorite juvenile celebrity crush. I thought you were mysterious but everyone else dubbed you goofy. I remembering recoiling every time someone called you that. They didn’t know you like I could know you. That is when I crafted the idea of you.

I remember having to reconfigure you in my mind every time I found out you were dating one of my friends. Each time I came up with a new theory as to why I wasn't chosen. Maybe they were first so you would be prepared for me. Maybe they were low hanging fruit and you didn't have the energy to reach for someone higher. Maybe you just didn't want me.

But I kept coming. I'm extremely tenacious when it comes to infatuation and it paid off. You paid me in friendship, a twisted and blurry-lined road that was supposed to lead us to our happily every after. You knew our destinations were no where near each other but still you grew close to me. Your favorite sentence was 'I feel comfortable with you.' I romanticized every syllable hoping to decipher a code.

Once you had me hooked, I was ping ponged between being your best friend and your placeholder. I was transformed into a 'pick me', competing with girls I never met for a spot that was never going to be mine. Nevermind I was yours for a short time. But only from the distance you were comfortable with. The image of you cracked when I crossed the country and was left holding the pieces of a shattered love you never really contributed to.

Maybe you were too young to appreciate me. Maybe your upbringing locked you off from the love I could have provided. More than likely you were only supposed to be my introduction. You broke my heart a thousand times before I took my first drink. You are part of the reason why I have my tattoo. You were never mine but I think it's better that way.

Evon Williams

Lover. Writer. Freelancer. Emotional and Mental Growth enthusiast. Sex Positive Supporter.

You can find me @goddessevon on most social media sites.