At the crux of change, I find myself backing away.
My words have always left the residue of a dream edging closer to reality.
I'm almost done.
Opportunities for future careers are spinning around me.
I always did get dizzy quickly.
I'm almost done.
Leadership roles and hectic schedules are bombarding my serene space.
New people, unfamiliar places, and small things fueling the desire to run are exhausting me.
But I'm almost done.
I keep chanting that sentence in my head,
using it to propel myself to the graduation finish line.
There's a letter waiting to be written to all of the turmoil I've faced in a hell I call home.
But I can't write it because I'm still almost there.
Almost is the most frustrating place to be.
The ultimate gray area,
the cruelest joke,
the greatest illusion.
The future becomes more elusive the harder I try to grab it.
I just don't want all of this to be in vain.
You were eager like I used to be. 16 was the time of overindulging and man did I! I was addicted to having someone on my arm.
You were the first person I wanted to make a forever with. You gave me hope that we could grow into our roles as soulmates. I actually called you my soulmate, well not to your face. I had just met you in computer class and we couldn't legally go on a field trip without permission let alone try to forge a union.
Give me commands. Clear guidelines. An itemized list of your needs.
You were exactly what I asked for. A carbon copy straight out of my mind. I should have been more careful.
When I tell you I love you, it doesn't mean we go together now. It doesn't mean I want your children. It doesn't mean I need to meet your family. I love you means I love who you are as a person. I have surpassed like and landed on love.
If you could, please disregard the previous letter left on your pillow. That has too much hubris dripping. Too much anger. Too many other emotions that negatively influenced the creation of that notice.
This is your eviction notice. Your placeholder, an unattainable musician, is helping me move your memories. Not sure where they'll go but at this point, I don't want to know.
I'm sick of the men in their feelings and not knowing how harmful and/or annoying they are with them.
You could be a better man, slay dragons, discover the greatest side of yourself. I could put you on the path of soul repair. I'm the kind of woman who makes real power players. I could be your Claire, Mr. Underwood.