I’m second guessing myself for no good reason. I keep telling myself that I’m not working fast enough,
Finding fault with every conceivable thing that I do is driving me crazy.
And for what?
So I can tell some mythical idea of a person that I did everything that I could do to be exceptional?
My gut says there’s nothing wrong with me but I’m so used to being questioned that I can’t seem to stop myself from answering.
The thing is no one is asking me questions. At least not right now.
It’s the summer time and I am having anxiety over things that aren't whether a cute boy will talk to me or how my body looks in a bathing suit.
I’m getting tired of beating myself up over things I should be proud of.
I am not going to continue to shrink myself into this tiny, soft spoken, over apologizing person.
My personality is not something I can store away for anything or anyone.
Not even myself.
You were eager like I used to be. 16 was the time of overindulging and man did I! I was addicted to having someone on my arm.
You were the first person I wanted to make a forever with. You gave me hope that we could grow into our roles as soulmates. I actually called you my soulmate, well not to your face. I had just met you in computer class and we couldn't legally go on a field trip without permission let alone try to forge a union.
Give me commands. Clear guidelines. An itemized list of your needs.
You were exactly what I asked for. A carbon copy straight out of my mind. I should have been more careful.
When I tell you I love you, it doesn't mean we go together now. It doesn't mean I want your children. It doesn't mean I need to meet your family. I love you means I love who you are as a person. I have surpassed like and landed on love.
If you could, please disregard the previous letter left on your pillow. That has too much hubris dripping. Too much anger. Too many other emotions that negatively influenced the creation of that notice.
This is your eviction notice. Your placeholder, an unattainable musician, is helping me move your memories. Not sure where they'll go but at this point, I don't want to know.
I'm sick of the men in their feelings and not knowing how harmful and/or annoying they are with them.
You could be a better man, slay dragons, discover the greatest side of yourself. I could put you on the path of soul repair. I'm the kind of woman who makes real power players. I could be your Claire, Mr. Underwood.