Forgive me Lord, for I haven’t been honest with myself.
Or anyone for that matter.
If it’s OK with You, I’d like to confess.
I’m scared that I will not handle living up to my potential.
Sometimes I feel guilty for letting my quirks come through.
When my depression takes its hold on me, I lie about how long it took me to get out of bed. I don’t want people to worry that I’m drowning in my own mind.
I have this maybe irrational fear of everyone leaving me.
I have 4 states worth of rage and alcoholism coursing through my veins that I fight every day. I counteract that with passive aggression.
I have this habit of leaving my responsibilities to get dusty when I feel overwhelmed.
I find myself up at unholy hours wasting time on the past.
It's easier to close myself off sometimes because the only person I disappointed that day directly was me.
And there are times when I turn my worries into breathless crying sessions. It's a twisted kind of skill.
Thank You for listening. Maybe one day I will be a better Christian and tell the truth more often. Because I gotta shame the devil.
You were eager like I used to be. 16 was the time of overindulging and man did I! I was addicted to having someone on my arm.
You were the first person I wanted to make a forever with. You gave me hope that we could grow into our roles as soulmates. I actually called you my soulmate, well not to your face. I had just met you in computer class and we couldn't legally go on a field trip without permission let alone try to forge a union.
Give me commands. Clear guidelines. An itemized list of your needs.
You were exactly what I asked for. A carbon copy straight out of my mind. I should have been more careful.
When I tell you I love you, it doesn't mean we go together now. It doesn't mean I want your children. It doesn't mean I need to meet your family. I love you means I love who you are as a person. I have surpassed like and landed on love.
If you could, please disregard the previous letter left on your pillow. That has too much hubris dripping. Too much anger. Too many other emotions that negatively influenced the creation of that notice.
This is your eviction notice. Your placeholder, an unattainable musician, is helping me move your memories. Not sure where they'll go but at this point, I don't want to know.
I'm sick of the men in their feelings and not knowing how harmful and/or annoying they are with them.
You could be a better man, slay dragons, discover the greatest side of yourself. I could put you on the path of soul repair. I'm the kind of woman who makes real power players. I could be your Claire, Mr. Underwood.