Chapter 25

Today I've learned how uncomfortable I am when I'm happy.

So for a good chunk of this past year I've gone through some romantic and emotional turmoil with the guy I fell for. And I've been trying to rebuild my relationship with my family for a few years. Also I've been searching for a place in my career when I'd start to feel like I was on the right path. Not to mention trying to keep up with all my bills. I'm used to being in a struggle state so much so that the hardships feel normal.

I know that isn't healthy. But when you're constantly bombarded with problems, you adjust to the life you have.

My problems, at least my big ones, have become manageable. Some are solved and the rest don't bother me as much because I know there's very little if anything I can do about it. As happy as I am about being generally happy, I'm freaking the hell out waiting on the other shoe to drop. There's not a good enough reason for me to stay vigilant for inevitable downsides. I'm not facing overall disappointment or heartbreak. So what's my issue?

I don't trust that happiness has my name on its list. I walk around like I'm personally scratched off and disregarded. And when it does come, I'm waiting on it to be snatched from me. To be completely transparent, it feels that way now. I'm looking for a new job because there's no room for me in the eyes of the shot callers. I was told my position isn't vital so there's no need to bring me on as a permanent employee. It's hard to think happiness is going to show up after being shitted on.

But I know that isn't my fault. Shit happens. It's unavoidable. It's just difficult to keep up with the good and easy to attach to the bad. I'm not homeless. I have access to food, electricity and clothing. I can entertain myself and people love me. There needs to be a way for me to be ok and not feel like an annoying idiot whenever someone says I’m cheesing. Maybe it’ll come with time.