It’s the day before I let loose and I feel so tightly wound that I have a headache. I’m overthinking everyone’s words to me. This is nothing new but I was hoping that regression didn’t seem so safe. So comfortable. Like another place of refuge in my mind I run to. But I only run there when I’m scared.
This is a high point in my life and it’s almost like I’m waiting for everything to fall. For me to scramble and piece everything together again. While I have a knack for that, I don’t want a destructive pattern to embed itself deeper into my life. I’m following my bliss, made amends with important people, and I’m excited to take on the next stage in my life. But sometimes, I punk out. I close myself off to new people. There's one girl that I'm doing adult things with but wants to cultivate a friendship. And there's no good reason to push her away. And yet, I find myself keeping her at bay because I don't want to get my hopes up and find out that she is an evil cretin.
There's always been a predetermined plan I have for how my life should play out. so far, I am completely off track from the original model. In the grand scheme of things, I'm happy with myself. But in these moments, I get scared. I can't see what's coming and maybe I'm not supposed to. Is it wrong to want to steer the ship that is my life? Even though so many things will pop up without any warning? I guess I just have to step out on faith.
I've learned that I revel in silence.
I've learned that I am whoever someone wants me to be.
I've learned that this shit is real.
I've learned that I need to level up, romantically.
I've learned that I need to level my career up.
I’ve learned that I naturally go into “fix it” mode.
Today I've learned that I don't know what I'm doing.
Today I’ve learned how much birth control and kids matter to my family.
Today I've learned I'm not antisocial but still an introvert.