Today I've learned how stagnant I feel.
I'm not in a good space right now. I could list a number of things that have contributed to this sinking feeling growing in me. Hell I was going to write about the guy I happened to fall for. And about the fact that one of my coworkers is damn near channelling my mother in some of the worst ways. But that wouldn't change the situations with either person.
They aren't the reasons why I feel unsatisfied and want to retreat from everything. I haven't been doing enough to feed my self esteem. The only thing I have been doing is try to drown it in sex and liquor. I don't want to think about my career, my body or the strength of my mental health.
I know this will turn into something unhealthy if I keep this up. I don't want to keep finding a new man to be ok with my body because it'll fill a hole I should be filling. And I can't keep being sad over not being further in my career. I just have to work harder.
This week, starting today, I'm going back to the gym. And I'm working on securing some professional ideas. You guys know I have no clue what's to come. But I'm open to ideas and suggestions on how to get out of a rut. See you on the next chapter.
I've learned that I am whoever someone wants me to be.
I've learned that this shit is real.
I've learned that I need to level up, romantically.
I've learned that I need to level my career up.
I’ve learned that I naturally go into “fix it” mode.
Today I've learned that I don't know what I'm doing.
Today I’ve learned how much birth control and kids matter to my family.
Today I've learned I'm not antisocial but still an introvert.
Today I've learned how uncomfortable I am when I'm happy.
I’ve learned that my body tries to protect me even when the rest of me doesn’t.