I let loose and discovered things about myself that I was suppressing. But my insecurities are starting to circle over my head. I imagine them as positivity and growth sucking vultures. If I were more religious or a better Christian, I'd call them my portable demons. Either way these parasitic energies are surrounding me, watching my every move and waiting for me to slip up. I have the opportunity to make a new life for myself and I'm getting tripped up by these things in my head.
Which makes me wonder, am I giving up too much power?
I've received an overwhelming response from my closest friends and family: YES. Most days I'm a pillar of strength, almost a motivational poster with legs. On other days when those vultures get closer to my spirit, you can't pay me to believe in myself. I'm fully aware of how drastic and unhealthy that is. The embarrassment I feel can be demoralizing. Lately I've been sinking deeper into these negative emotions.
So to counteract that, I've decided to focus on positivity and creating. There are so many projects I've started and abruptly stopped due to negative thoughts coming from the demons/vultures. And with a new birthday approaching, I reject my destructive ways. There will not be another time when I can see my thoughts and actually do something to change them. Maybe there will be but who really knows?
I can see my potential. The dream/future me is strong, healthy and quick. She can think on her feet. She can handle hardships without tears. She is a galvanizing force to be enamored with. I know I can become her. I need to get out of my head so I can do what needs to be done.
I've learned that I am whoever someone wants me to be.
I've learned that this shit is real.
I've learned that I need to level up, romantically.
I've learned that I need to level my career up.
I’ve learned that I naturally go into “fix it” mode.
Today I've learned that I don't know what I'm doing.
Today I’ve learned how much birth control and kids matter to my family.
Today I've learned I'm not antisocial but still an introvert.
Today I've learned how uncomfortable I am when I'm happy.
I’ve learned that my body tries to protect me even when the rest of me doesn’t.