Today I've learned that I can't anticipate everything. Or rather anything.
Last Friday, I co-hosted the department retreat. I was dreading it because so many details weren't taken care of until the last minute. Since my name was at the top of the planning committee, I was anxious. Everything wasn't in place and that might have reflected badly on me. It ended up going smoothly with everyone happy and well fed. But it took me a while to enjoy the festivities set out. I felt like I was supposed to be working the event rather than being a celebrated employee.
My work mom kept asking me why I was so worried and being hard on myself. I didn't feel comfortable telling her my backstory so instead I shrugged and said "habit I guess." After she walked away, I was left there wondering why it takes me so long to take myself off the hook. I punish myself so much so often that it doesn't register anymore.
My birthday is 2 weeks away and I am still kicking myself for not being where I thought I would be. Every year I beat myself up for not doing enough. I catch myself saying "I'm turning [insert age] and I haven't done [insert activity] yet." It usually starts up at night knowing it's not the time of the day to actually do anything big about whatever I'm worried about. But the worry grows until I start to spiral. It's like I'm wishing for remote control powers over my life and when I inevitably realize that's not apart of my life subscription plan, I flip out.
It's been almost 12 years of this shit. I'm tired.
I'm trying to go with the flow. Trying to be aloof. Trying to not care. But life keeps giving me little notifications that I'm not built that way and there's very little I can see coming. And that's infuriating because I want to prepare. Maybe then I could perform better, be ahead of others or at least sit a little more comfortably than I was before. Or maybe I'll still make the same mistakes because that's what supposed to happen. *shrugs*