My body betrays me when I'm stressed. My hair, my gorgeous curly hair is falling out. PMS is lasting longer than expected which means the headaches, cramps, back pain and general fatigue hasn't stopped. I held in my stress for far too long and now I'm paying for it. What's worse is how familiar this is for me. My other half was sick for almost a month. And it wasn't chicken noodle soup, sweat-out-the-fever sick. It was chills and revolving fever sick. It was severe dehydration, intense gastric pain sick. It was hospitalization with me sleeping on the floor sick. I listened for the moments when he would fall asleep. I watched him writhe in anguish whenever he swallowed. And I ignored my emotions.
I didn't allow myself to cry for fear that I wouldn't stop. Strength needed to be the main characteristic I showed. Second to empathy and intelligence to see what was wrong and what needed to be fixed. I knew I needed fixing but I chose to take care of him over myself. It's already hard enough dealing with the multitude of changing variables in my life. Illness shouldn't have shown up.
All of the stress makes me wonder when I'll be carefree again. Maybe I've never been. I'm not sure what to do to get there. I feel happiness surrounding me and want to be lucky enough to be engulfed by it. Sometimes I contemplate whether Instagram is lying to me. There can't be that many happy people always on adventures with beautiful and creative friends. Am I not living an interesting life suitable for social media?
Probably not. How many of us are constantly picture ready?
I'm going to focus on revitalizing my scalp, my body and my mind. It's a good starting point, especially if I want to get those box braids next month for my birthday. Yes, I'm a little vain. So sue me.